By Mattie Bukowski
2nd of October 2120
9:14 AM
tag: general
Greetings user Bobcat98. Someone just logged into your account from an unknown neurolink device: Celesta Microband H4C350. If this was you, ignore this message. If it wasn’t, please click this link.
9:55
tag: celesta internal
Dear Customer,
thank you for choosing Celesta Technologies. Your purchase is important to us. We hope you will enjoy your experience with Celesta Microband.
Celesta Technologies – Your Satisfaction is Our Priority!
[message sent to spam]
5th of October
10:30 AM
tag: uni
Dear students,
Attached is the list of books required for the course. Two are available from Commonbooks if you log in with your university email. The rest must be purchased. I have an Amazon discount code if anyone needs it.
Regards, prof. Williams
textbook_list.txt
11:17 AM
tag: uni
re: back to the course + the discount please?
Dear Robert,
Good to hear you’re still with us despite all difficulties. Best of luck at your new job. The code is GHR227A. Works on all books and can be stacked. See you at the first lecture tomorrow!
6th of October
9:15 AM
tag: advertisement
Moonlit Studios Apparel: new Marvel superhero t-shirt collection in e-stores
[message deleted]
1:56 PM
tag: work
[new message on ContactWave from user Melanie Rodriguez]
hey Bob, I know you’ve covered for me already this week, but my mum’s still sick and the drive to her block is like an hour and uhhhhh cover pls? will send you over my pay obv thx!!!
2:05 PM
tag: work
[new message on ContactWave from user Melanie Rodriguez]
Bob youre a treasure ❤ ❤ my mum sends hugs as well!!
8th of October
3:47 PM
tag: social media
[new message on ShareLy from user penguinpants]
ummm are you posting from a celesta cause i think your selfie had a mood tag on it lmao
3:55 PM
tag: social media
[new message on ShareLy from user penguinpants]
yeah it should be in settings under social media integrations. don’t think you can like completely turn it off, like it will still record and send over anonymous data, but it won’t be visible to anyone except you
3:57 PM
tag: social media
[new message on ShareLy from user penguinpants]
Lucie said they had celesta required in high school o.O fucking imagine demanding teenagers put chips into their brains to get their degree jeez
3:58 PM
tag: social media
[new message on ShareLy from user penguinpants]
no i mean celesta is pretty cool like the games are awesome it’s just fucking weird that it’s like… required for so much stuff now. ugh make sense i guess
4:05 PM
tag: commercial
Confirmation of Purchase:
S. Lewis “Gravitational Theory in Modern Astrophysics”
M. Serrano “Practical Applications of Unification Theory”
L. Lambert “Quantum Physics on Cosmic Scales: Intro to Unification”
total before discount: 1250$
total after discount: 970$
6:57 PM
tag: advertisement
Costco Online: new SugarRush cornflakes – now with 21% less added sugar!
[message deleted]
12th of October 2120
10:30 AM
tag: uni
Dear students,
As promised, here are your first assignments for the course. Have fun!
unification_basic_questions.txt
Regards, prof
15th of October
11:15
tag: general
Automatic reminder: debt points negative. Score: -2000 points. User comment: anti-depressant pay from next check
22th of October 2120
4:56 PM
tag: social media
[new reply to your Facebook post: Reynolds has to go guys]
user Ruby Jones writes:
Even if you are right about those horrid police brutality statistics (which you aren’t btw, google is free……..), do you really think the better option would be to just descent into chaos? Police doesn’t arrest people for no reason ok. And if you don’t have anything to hide why do you private all of your celesta updates anyway huh?
Also yeah sure Reynolds isn’t perfect but at least he isn’t trying to destroy the economy like Cowden.
4:58 PM
tag: social media
notification: user Ruby Jones has blocked you on Facebook
28th of October
1:12 AM
tag: spam
We have an update for you! In order to upgrade your device, please switch it manually to update mode before falling asleep. Note: after three reminders, the device will update automatically. Be advised that this may cause prolonged sleep and short-term mood changes. Full terms and conditions are available in settings.
30th of October
4:22 PM
tag: social media
[new message on Contact Wave from user Melanie Rodriguez]
yes Bobby i have been sacked too 😦 but I think there are still jobs at human-only customer in Washington! you’ll have to check through unemployment record
31st of October
9:20 PM
tag: social media
[new message on ShareLy from user penguinpants]
me and my best mate being spooky at central square. peace
[user penguinpants has tagged you in a 3D gif]
11:23 PM
tag: system
Automatic notification: your intoxication levels have reached a critical threshold. License for manual vehicle operation is temporarily restricted. Please only use automated vehicles.
2nd of November
11:23 AM
tag: uni
re: late assignment
Dear Robert,
No problem. Turn it in whenever it is ready. Quality over speed is my personal policy. Also, if I may be of assistance, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I have personal experience with mental health struggles so perhaps you would benefit from a chat with me.
Regards, prof
3rd of November
1:12 AM
tag: spam
We have an update for you! In order to upgrade your device, please switch it manually to update mode before falling asleep. Note: after three reminders, the device will update automatically. Be advised that this may cause prolonged sleep and short-term mood changes. Full terms and conditions are available in settings.
5th of November
2:35 PM
tag: business
Mr. Nowak,
thank you for your applications. Unfortunately, at the moment we are not able to offer any job positions for you. Please check into your unemployment database system frequently to notice new offers as they arrive.
6th of November
7:20 PM
tag: spam
Dear user Bobcat98, based on your personal collected data, our algorithms have noticed a decline in mood, productivity, and state satisfaction levels. We recommend customization of Celesta Microband settings before next update to improve these levels. You can opt out of it by clicking the button below.
8th of November
11:25
tag: uni
re: very late assignment on string field fluctuation 🙂
Dear Bob,
Brilliant work as always. And to follow up on the chat we had yesterday, I do agree that the academic system has suffered somewhat as the result of these changes. I have talked many times about it at institute seminar levels, however was unable to push it further. Personally, I despise the celesta but have to admit that the technological advantages it provides unfortunately cannot be replicated with a more ethical generic brand device.
As for the other issues you brought up, I’m afraid they span beyond the academic level and has to be addressed in the general elections. Though the state of those is rather miserable as well…
Regardless, below are some minor comments and corrections:
Nowak_2_assignment_corrected.pdf
Regards, prof
10th of November
0:33 AM
tag: social media
[new message on ShareLy from user penguinpants]
you ok mate? that last post sounded dead serious
0:45 AM
tag: social media
[new message on ShareLy from user penguinpants]
cannot say much more rather than i can relate a lot… oh well what can we do right? just keep going, get a degree, gets much easier then. let me know if you want an audio chat, you can vent at least maybe
user Bobcat98 has started an audio chat that lasted 55 minutes 13 seconds
1:44 AM
tag: spam
We have an update for you! In order to upgrade your device, please switch it manually to update mode before falling asleep. Note: after three reminders, the device will update automatically. Be advised that this may cause prolonged sleep and short-term mood changes. Full terms and conditions are available in settings.
10:00 AM
tag: automatic message
Your new update has been installed and activated. We hope you will be satisfied with the new improved Celesta Microbrand interface and user-oriented navigation. We have also applied new settings that will improve your experience. Thank you for using Celesta Technologies. Remember:
Your Satisfaction is Our Priority!
14th of November
11:15 AM
re: assignment (on time for once)
Dear Bob,
Great job! No technical mistakes I could find. Though rather disappointed you didn’t include the points you brought up last week at the seminar. I thought them rather imaginative if unconventional, was looking forward to you developing on them.
Nowak_assignment_3_corrected.pdf
Regards, prof
13:44 PM
tag: commercial
Purchase of 11 items confirmed.
Moonlit Studios – Shoes and Apparel – 5 items
Costco Online – Snacks and Beverages – 4 items
Tesla Technical – Devices – 1 item
Green Mode – Novelty and Entertainment – 1 item
total price at checkout: 2780$
15th of November
10:30 AM
tag: social media
[new message from user penguinpants]
hey mate, glad to see you’re doing so much better! based on sharely posts at least haha. and kudos for dropping the political posts, you weren’t reaching much people anyway, you know how it is, some people just can’t get their heads out of their asses so no point wasting your time on them. totally agreed that the new stipend is better than nothing at least. keep up the good work. peace!
new message from: celesta microbrand
[deleted]
You are satisfied. Every customer must be satisfied.
Satisfaction leads to purchasing. Purchasing leads to profit. Profit leads to stability. Stability leads to happiness.
Everyone
Will
Be
Happy
endmessage.
Mattie Bukowski is a writer, a youtube essayist, and a PhD student of evolutionary biology. He can be found on twitter at @paradox_nerd and on youtube at @bootstrap_paradox.
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